


Real is Always

by orphan_account



Category: The Hunger Games
Genre: F/M, Post-Mockingjay, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-04
Updated: 2015-03-04
Packaged: 2018-03-16 09:11:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3482609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The hunger games have ended, but the memories have not. Three months after the war, Katniss is suffering from PTSD, peeta has not recovered from his flashbacks, and the country itself is still rebuilding. Peetas hobby of painting has came back and he paints his feelings, which are usually about Katniss, The war, mutts. Katniss turns away from moving on with life and being with him, but somehow they grow back. </p><p>Read through, how the miracle of Katniss and Peetas relationship miraculously came into place, as well as the nation, the unexpected surprises that can be life changing, threatening, and hard to believe someone never left.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

I sit on the porch steps infront of my house, picking at the patches of skin they have put on my body.

"What did I tell you? Don't pick Katniss." A voice says. I look up. Greasy Sae comes walking up with a basket. Oh right, it's breakfast. 

I look back down at my blooded skin. Maybe the Capitol would make me pretty again. But I doubt that. No one can fix war scars. They stay there forever to tell you that you killed someone. That you caused death. No I think. You saved so many. You were able to save all of panem. But Prim. I look next to me at the garden of primroses Peeta planted earlier this month. You weren't able to save Prim. The only thing that really mattered. The only thing I was sure i loved. 

I snap out of my thoughts when Greasy Sae puts a comforting hand on my shoulder, like she knows what I'm thinking about. 

"I know Katniss. You miss her. I do too. But Katniss, it was not your fault." Snow. That's the answer to every harmful, negative thing in this world. "There was no way you knew those parachutes would go off. No one knew."

"I know" I say blankly, still in daze of of the evening primroses. 

"Come on now. Let's get some thing to eat."

She lays out a bowl on the table full of fruits, meat, and bread. She is just wasting it. I have not ate a full meal since who knows when. I really don't care if I'm hungry. I can deal with the pain. When too much pain occurs, nothing can be left. 

"Katniss you need to eat." 

"I'm not hungry." My stomach growls. 

"That's not what your body is saying. That's just your mind."

"Well I'm gonna go with my mind."

"Katniss please. You can starve to death."

"I don't care." She falls silent. Her face drops. The next thing I know she is picking up his phone and dialing a number.

I get up and walk out of the kitchen. I climb up the stairs to my room, and sit on the chair by the window. When I look out I see Haymitch outside with a bottle on the table. And then look at the house next to it. Peeta's house. His house is always dark just the way he likes it. It helps him concentrate on the real world and not his messed up mind. 

I grab my boots and start putting them on.

"Katniss, where are you going?"

"Walking." l answer, even though it's not true. 

The cold air bites my skin as soon as I walk out. I make my way across my street to Haymitch and take the bottle from the table beside chair he's sitting in. 

"I don't think you should be drinking that on an empty stomach sweetheart." he says mockingly. I squint as the liquid falls down my throat, burning it.

"I don't care" I state. 

"Well looks like someone has themselves and a little mood there." I ignore him and take another sip out of the bottle. "What did you come here for? Just to waste my liquor?"

"I came to forget."

"Oh sweetheart. You know only the Capitol can fix that. And my senses are telling me you don't want to go there any time soon?" I once again ignore him and stare at his lawn. "You know, you are going to have friends here soon." I look back at him puzzled. 

"You know for a fact that I'm not great at making friends. Especially now."

"Well, if you can't make any kind of relationship with a group of geese, we might need to send you somewhere different than District 12."

"What did I tell you? in less than a year there's not going to be any districts. So get used to not calling them it."

"And how are you going to change that love?"

"Snow's dead. I think I will be able to work it out some how."

"Be careful what you are saying sweetheart. We don't want to be remembering anything you don't want to remember would we?" I clench my jaw. "I'm surprised you haven't asked to see loverboy yet" I dont say anything. I've heard he's gotten much better, I've seen so myself. 

"You know Katniss, he's getting better. you might even help him if you just come and see him. To show him that you're not planning an evil plan or something."

"It brings to many memories."

"Whatever. I'll talk to the boy."

I stand up and make my way down the gravel road. I hear a voice behind me.

"Oh, and make sure you eat something sweetheart. You won't be able to live with yourself with the stomachache you have ahead of you"

I take a quick glance back at him to make sure the coast is clear. Sure enough he is fast asleep, probably from how much liquor he just had. As I pass Peetas house, I look in to see him painting. I don't know what, but he's painting. I also see the paintings he has already done hung up on his wall. The war. Parachutes. Mutts. How does this not affect him? It floods my mind with memories. I clutch onto my hair and look away. 

I walk for a while. I don't really know where I'm heading until I'm at the hob. 

They all seem stunned to see me, considering I haven't been here in almost eight months since it has been rebuilt. No one has, really. All the animals have been scared away, so there's not really any meat. The liquor comes about once every two months, and it's only about 12 dozen bottles. if you want anything you can use in your home, your most likely better off going to one of the convenient stores in town.

An older woman comes up to me with a meal.

"Honey, please eat this. You are so very skinny." I shake my head, but smile politely. She grows a worried expression on her face, but soon walks away. I make my way over to the clothing station, if that's what you want to call it. I sit down in front of the bin of beads and start running my fingers in it. It soothes me. I always do this when flashbacks are in danger of occurring. And walking through the hob, it's very likely.

As I start to walk out, I pass the Medicine station. The person running it stops me and give me an ointment for my scars. But again I turn it down.


	2. Chapter Two

I sit on the couch in the living room with butter cup on my lap, picking out all of the leaves in his fur. Greasy sae has left about two hours ago was a plate of food on the kitchen table even though she knows I'm not gonna eat it. After I am done picking out all of buttercups leaves I just pet him for a little,letting a tear run down as I think of prim. 

I have a huge headache from not eating, but I just deal with it. I felt much more pain in my lifetime. Without changing in to my nightclothes, I climb into bed like usual. even though it's only about seven, I usually go to bed at this time. Buttercup whines for Prim, like he does every night. But then as soon as I remind him, curls up next to me to guard me through the night. I've tried to give him a bath once, and no, not the time that I tried to drown him in a bucket as a kitten, but about three months back. That's when I learned cats really don't like water. and also that cat scratchers hurt more than anything, especially on faux skin.

I put my arm around his orange coat so it's in front of his face. He licks my hand before nudging it and resting his head on my arm. I never really thought that I would like this cat, but now hes my anchor at night. Something that doesn't get scared when I scream myself awake from nightmares, but something that assures me it's there. I pulled my Aching body towards him before's falling asleep. 

Midway through the night, I'm awoken not by nightmares, but by the phone ringing. I slowly sit up to grab the phone on my night my nightstand.

"Hello?" I ask. 

"Hey" a familiar voice answers. Peeta. "we haven't talked in a while so I just want to check up on you"

"I think it's you that I should be checking up on"

"I'm doing fine, Katniss. Dont worry. " This silence before he speaks up again. "Later on this week do you want to come over and I'll show you some of my paintings?" 

"Sure. Absolutely." 

"Great." My stomach growls. "What was that?" 

"The cat." I say, almost too quickly. He chuckles. 

"Alright. I'll see you at the end of the week."

"Okay. Goodnight"

"Night"

Pee-ta melark has disconnected. 

I hate how that phone voice says his name. It says peeta slowly, and mellark too fast. 

***

I wake to a sharp pain nipping at my arm. I open my eyes to see buttercup Pawing my arm. I know he's trying to be as gentle as possible, but he's hungry and wants to go outside.

I climb out of bed, and take a quick look at myself in the mirror. I look like a ragdoll that was the last one in line to get stuffed, so they gave me the left overs. 

I walked onto the kitchen with Buttercup following behind me. He climbs onto the table that has a window he climbs through to get in and out. I open up the window for him. he runs out side and searches for his breakfast. I however will not have any, of course. 

I sleep all day. Greasy sae manages to force water down my throat but that's about it. 

Around five greasy sae called me downstairs to tell me someone's on the phone for me. I pick it up to hear haymitch on the other end. I go back in my room. 

"Hows that head ache on yah?"

"I don't have one."

"Sure you don't-anyway, heard you ain't been eating?"

"I'm fine."

"You certainly didn't look fine yesterday."

"Well you know what they say; feelings and looks are differents things." I say in a raspy voice. 

"I think you can tell people's feelings in their voice, and your voice doesn't sound great. Get something in you before tomorrow. Peeta will defiantly not be pleased with this new routine of yours."

Before I can ask him how he knows, we are disconnected.

***  
I open the window to let buttercup in when he wants to because I'm just to tired to wait and I want to look some what rested for Peeta. 

Somewhere in the middle of the night, feel buttercup curl up next to me, doing his comforting routine (licking, nudging, etc.) and falling asleep himself. 

I wake up the next morning around eleven, and actually try to get up and look presentable. I wash up, brush my teeth, and change. I tried to brush my hair, but I can't reach back with out it hurting my shoulder. 

At around one, I make my way to Peeta's. Before walking up the steps, I take a deep breath. This is it. 

My bony hands come in contact with the door. One knock. Two knocks. Three knocks. Then you wait. 

He opens the door. We both are shocked once we see eachother. He has been nourished back to his stocky build. His cheeks have filled back in, his hair is in the right place. But most importantly, my eyes can get lost in the oceans when I look in his eyes, not the black holes like they use to be. 

"K-Katniss?" He asks, ever so light his lips are barley moving. "Is that really you?" I nod my head and tears threaten to spill over. 

"Peeta" I whisper. I throw myself into him, and this time his hands thread around my waist, not my neck. 

I cry silently into his collar bone, and he slowly leans his down to rest in the crook of my neck. Just like the first games. 

We pull back. I run my fingers through his hair like I did in the boiler room during the war, but rest my hand on the back of his head. 

"W-what happened?" He asks. I know he's talking about how skinny I've gotten. 

"I-it's nothing." 

After a while of convincing, he finally gives up and invites me inside. His house is much better than I imagined. I thought it would be practically ripped apart. But he has really controlled himself, so far at least. There's only one dent shown on the wall, and a lot of the rest of the walls are covered in paintings.

Mutts. Parachutes. Hovercrafts. Trees. cornucopia. All are amazing. But if the mention of snows name scares him, makes him go crazy, how can Peeta stay controlled looking at these? Painting them? 

"I a...these actually help me stay controlled. Painting them, I mean. It helps me remember them clearly, every detail." He tells me. I run my fingers over the parachute. 

"They're amazing." I whisper. i almost feel as if I'm there again. Opening the parachutes that hold the soup to give to Peeta. The orange back pack. 

Everything flows back to me, and when I blink, I'm in the arena.


	3. Chapter Three

I look around. I notice I'm in my first games, and it's getting dark. I never really got cold unless I was in the cave, but for some reason I'm freezing. That's when I realize I'm not in the same jacket as I was. I'm in normal clothes. 

I start to panick. It gets dark and colder by the second. I have no back pack, and look around desperately as if it will appear in front of me. It actually works. Well, kind of. A silver parachute appears a about ten feet to the right of me, about the size of of my hand. Of course, I run to it.

Inside, there is a note. 

' you need fire to burn.' -PS

I look at my gift. A box of matches. I can't light these, the careers will find me. 

I find a big rock and light a match. 

"Do you guys hear something?" I look up. Careers. 

"Hey guys! I found her!" 

I run. I run until I trip over a log. And stay there, waiting for my long wanted death. 

"Katniss? Katniss! Stop!" What am I doing wrong? I look up. 

But I'm not surrounded by trees anymore. I'm in a house.

"What was that katniss?" My eyes are watery and my mouth is parted as I look into his blue eyes. 

"I-uh...i get flashbacks. The-they come when a reminder comes." The look on his face makes me as guilty as hell. "But don't worry. It happens all the time."

"Your nightmares...they're....worse?" He quietly asks. I give a small smile. He pulls me into a tight hug, holding me for almost dear life. "My uh...my flashbacks sometimes come." I suddenly feel insecure, as if he's going to have one when I'm here, due to the fact I'm the main threat in them. "It's fine, katniss." He assures me as if he can read my mind. "I know how to control them now. And if one ever happens, just call haymitch. I promise." I nod my head against his shirt. "Now, come on. I just made some treats." 

"Cheese buns?"

"Cheese buns."

~*~

This would be the first meal I've actually consumed in weeks. Once he lays it out in front of me, the warm bun covered in a thick coat of melted cheese as well as it oozing out of the side, I gain appetite. The first time in a long, long time.

Peeta sits down. I reach my hand out. Before I touch the mouth-watering bread, I look up at him, almost for reassurance. He smirks in return. 

"You know, I made them for you. You don't need permission." I smile and touch the bun. It feels warm as my fingers sink into its still-gooey figure. Just as remember. When was the last time? 8...9....maybe 10 months?

I bring it up to my mouth. 

Now you open your mouth, katniss 

I open my mouth and bring the treat to me so it's in between my teeth. 

Now you bite down, Katniss.

My teeth sink into the cheese bun's flesh. 

And I eat it. The first time in weeks.


	4. Chapter 4

After I have finished, I look up to see Peeta staring intently. I lick my fingers, clearly wanting more. He chuckles. 

"Do you want to make more? I'll show you." I don't answer, and just push my chair back. Of course, I would. Peeta senses my decision and gets up, too.

I stand awkwardly watching him as he gets the ingredients from the pantry. I want to ask how he got all of this supplies, but I also want to live until tomorrow. The counter is now full of the ingredients we will need. 

After walking over to him, I stand awkwardly not sure of what to do next. 

"Ok, so first, you need to..." I get lost in how concentrated he looks. I haven't seen Peeta bake in forever. 

He tell me the steps. Roll out the dough. Cut out circles. Place on pan. I don't know how I am doing this, i am mostly mesmerized that the old Peeta is some how back. I'm not listening, just doing. Cut the cheese. After all these weeks, months. Lay out separately. Of thinking he will never change, he some how found him self. Place on top of the dough. Controlled the monster made inside of him. Curl corners around edges. When the Capitol tried to change him, thought they had taken all of himself, they really hadn't. Put in oven.

"And that, my friend, is how you make Katniss Everdeen's obsession." Peeta exclaims, clapping his hands together. I smile at his joyfulness. 

***  
"Bye Katniss."he says as I exit. 

"Bye peeta, it was really nice to see you."

"Yeah, it was." Peeta gives a slight smile. I smile back, and eventually turn my head away from him, back to my lonesome house.   
\- 

Weeks pass. We meet once a week. Until he needed help with the bakery. It then moved on to two, three, four, five, and before we knew it, we saw Eachother everyday. At his house, though. I still barley eat. I always tell him I've eaten at home, and don't want him to come over to find full plates lying everywhere, as well as dead skin and dried up blood on the furniture. 

He's gotten better.   
I haven't. 

Nightmares haunt me. But the thing is, it's not always at night. It seems I'm too afraid to blink because of the monstrous images swirling in my head. My bags get darker every day, but Peeta doesn't say anything. I sometimes think it's because he lost all care, but then again, he has taken his paintings down because he knew they affected me. 

One night, I was in tears. I had left the window ajar for cool air, but was awoken by the smell of roses. Those despised, reeking, stinged smell of death and poison. 

Haymitch had to come in. Butter cup desperately tried to calm me down, but it ended up with me hugging life out of him instead. Haymitch raced through the door, almost knocking it off its hinges. I was screaming viciously, scurrying around the bed, poor Buttercup nudging me to try to assure me, I was impracticably insane at the moment. Haymitch jumped onto the bed and took my thin body into his arms, me still screaming. He tightened his grip until I was a ball in his chest. I sobbed and shaked violently as he calmed me down.  
Haymitch then tucked me into the bed as Buttercup cuddled in next to me. As he was getting the pills for me to sleep, I hear him murmur "she's yet 18" and "what more can I child go through."

He stayed with me for the rest of the week at night.   
I hated it. 

But, I did consider the fact he's been there for me ever since the end of the war. Because after a long time, I felt like I had my father again. 

After two months past by, Peeta comes to my house. I'm horrified that my secret will be out, and he will demand me to take my shirt off to reveal a layer of scarred and patched skin over bones. 

And then kill me. 

But it isn't until he shows he had brought water with him. He walks over to the evening primroses lined up infront of my house, and gently pours the water onto them. 

He still cares. Peeta will be completely back to normal one day, I know it. I have hope now. 

I walk out of the view of my window to get ready for bed. I've been changing out of my clothes lately, and I hear Greasy Sae telling haymitch it's progress. In what? Coming out of a fate that I have fell into after losing everything I've ever loved?

I take off my shirt first. But this time, instead of throwing another on, I look in the mirror. At what Peeta would discover if her were to see what I've been hiding. 

Skin and bones? That's an understatement. I'm really just bones now. Barely any muscle, unlike Peeta who has redeemed himself to his regular muscular figure. My breasts are hardly mounds now, and you can clearly see my rib cage. I try to count them, but my IQ has lowered and I have a hard time with keeping up with the numbers. 

Past my ribcage, it now sharply cuts in. I turn so my right side is facing the glass. My stomach curves in sharply, almost looking like my ribs have been left behind. Just like I was. Everyone went away, but left me on my own. 

My name is Katniss everdeen.  
I am seventeen years old.  
Death left me behind.


	5. Chapter 5

Sleep. My new best friend. 

We met unexpectedly, when I was alone in my living room. I felt dizzy, and fell right into it. I would say sorry, but I haven't had a better friend in years. It's always there when I need it, helps me when I'm bored, and even stops me from doing stuff. Like eating. 

But, of course, there was a downside. A big one. I was supposed to help Peeta make some cookies for a kids birthday or something. I always show up to these things, but I didn't this time, because I was hanging out with sleep.

He got worried, I guess. And when I hear a faint 'katniss' from the other side of my front door, I get worried too. But, looks like sleep wants to hang out more. Peeta can wait. 

"Katniss? a-are you okay? do you feel okay?" I hear Peeta whisper. I slowly open my eyes to see him staring down at me. His face is the most unique I've ever seen. He's so shocked...and worried. Then again, I would be too if I walked into a house of whos supposed to be someone who 'changed a country at 17' to find this...mess. 

I guess he sees the blood, and thinks its fresh. I would get up, maybe to hug him, but now I'm just too weak and tired. 

He tucks some hair that fell into my vision behind my ear before lifting me up. I'm very surprised at first, but then cuddle my tiny frame into his chest that I've missed dearly. 

Peeta walks his way into my bedroom, and places me carefully on the bed. I curl to my side for a more comfortable position. Peeta goes into the washroom and gets a rag to wet. 

He comes back with it in hand. Peeta hesitantly reaches for my arm before pulling it towards him. As the rag connects with the fake skin, I wince. Sharply. 

"I'm sorry katniss. I'm sorry." He says gently. His eyes are red and puffy. I'm not sure if it was a bad night, or he was crying. 

"I'm going to change your clothes now. alright?" no, that's not 'alright.' It's not because I don't want him to see my body, it's that I don't want him to see what it's become. 

He sits on edge of the bed and pulls me into his lap. 

"It's okay, I'm not going to hurt you. Not this time." he whispers, starting to pull my shirt off. No. Not this first. But it's no hope in stopping. I'm not sure if I can trust him yet either, but it's too late. 

The shirt is off. His lips gap. If it was our old selves, in old times, I would jokingly punch him in the arm and we would both laugh. But no, this is present. This is the real one. 

"Katniss..." he covers his mouth before saying something else. A phone is in his reach, and he grabs it. Peeta dials something before placing it next to his ear. His jaw keeps clenching, and a single tear crawls its way out of his right eye. 

"Haymitch? I-it's Peeta. I...uh...katniss was supposed to come over and she didn't, so I went over to check if she was okay, andit's not good. She needs help. Please." I can't hear anything after that, but Peeta ends it shortly after.

He puts the new shirt on and places me under the covers. He keeps muttering something-I can't catch it, but he's also clenching his jaw. It's not good. 

After still waiting for Haymitch ten minutes later, Peeta again pulls me into his lap. He runs his hand up and down my arm soothingly. Now I'm crying, too. 

"This isn't good katniss. Why didn't you tell me? please, you should've told me. This isn't good at all." He sniffs. And that's when i start crying a lot. "Katniss please..." he chokes, looking down at me. "You should never be this skinny. You can't. Please. Please don't lie to me again.'' He's going to kill me. Literally.

"Where are yah sweetheart?" I faintly hear from down stairs. 

"We're up here haymitch!" Peeta screams after. I'm slowly drifting off. And not to sleep. 

I don't think I make to Haymitch coming in. Sleep, or what ever it is, has taken over. 

***  
Peetas pov

more weight is added to my arms. I look down, to see katniss asleep and limp Inmy arms. 

"Katniss?" I give her a small shake. "Katniss?" she's not waking up. No. "Katniss wake up!" I'm shaking her violently. I'm going to hurt her. I'm going to go mad. "Katniss!" I start to sob. "Haynitch!" I screech looking up from her. "Please! Haymitch! I'm going to hurt her! please! she's not waking up!"

"I'm coming kid, hold on." Images start flashing in my eyes. Bad ones. 

"No!" I clench my eyes trying to get rid of the state I'm in. "Haymitch I'm going hurt her..." I choke. 

Haymitch finally comes into the room. He swiftly picks her up off my lap and places her on the bed. Then he tries to grab my hand to pull me out of the room. 

"No!" I say, fighting. He is pulling me by my waist now. "She's dying! don't just leave her!"

"Her doctor is here kid" Haymitch says into my ear. "Now how good of a mentor am i?"

I can't hold back anymore. The images flood my mind, and seeing katniss dead on the bed really helps. Atleast, I hope she's dead. 

I fight out of haymitchs grip and run over to a chair in the hallway. Grasping to the edge of it, I try to fight them off. Grunting, screaming,kicking, anything to try to fight it off. Katniss pushed you into the forcefeild intending to kill you. Real or not real? Re-not real. She volunteered so she can kill me for a reason. Real or not real? real...not real? I don't know. Katniss Everdeen is a mutt from the Capitol. Real or not real? not real. I'm the mutt. 

 

"No! stop!" I randomly yell. But only I know I'm telling myself. 

"Peeta calm down." Haymitch says grabbing my shoulders. 

"I'm trying. I-I'm sorry Haymitch. I swear I'm trying!"

"Okay, Peeta. Just breathe. Think about what's real and what's not. Come on, now."

"I've already tried" I Croak. Swallowing hard, I let out a small grunt. 

"Well lets try again. Ask me the ones you asked yourself."

"K-katniss pushed m-me into the forcefeild," I let out a gasp of pain. "Intending t-to kill me. R-real or n-not real?" 

"Not real Peeta. You walked into it. She warned you, but it was too late."

"She v-volunteered so she can kill me with out getting in t-trouble. Real or not real?"

"Not real. She volunteered for her 12 year old sister."

"It's not helping Haymitch. This isn't helping."

"Come kid, breathe. You know it isn't real."

"She's...haymitch...shes dead. I..I left her there...i-"

"Its okay. She will be ok."

"I killed her. Didn't i? don't hide it. You know I killed her."

"Peeta you didnt kill her. You probably saved her life."

"Shes dead Haymitch! it's over!"

"Peeta they-"

"Stop trying to make me feel better! I know she's dead, she left in my arms! I already have enough lies I believe, so stop giving me more to consider!"

"Calm down, alright?! We have the technology! do you even know why she died? no! you don't even know if she is dead! but either way, she's surviving another day! so calm down and tell yourself what's real or fake!" I take deep breaths and go through everything that is in my mind. More blurry images find themselves again, but I fight them off as best as I can. 

"Hey guys, is it a good time to speak?" I whip my head around. Someone is standing in the doorway of katniss's bedroom.

"Of course mister doctor." Haymitch says walking towards him. After a couple minutes of hearing them murmur, Haymitch turns to me. "You okay to go in mellark?" I nod. In those few minutes I've collected myself, and the only trace is sweat running through my clothes and down my neck. 

She looks fine. I'm not sure if she still has her shirt on, because she's under the covers. 

"Do you have any idea how she...died?" Haymitch asks me. I look up at him. Worry is permanently in my eyes, so I know they are wide. I slowly walk over to the bed where she lays. Hesitantly, I pull the covers down. She doesn't have anything on. Oh well. I pull it down I her waist, where her stomach cuts in. I look up at Haymitch. He slowly walks over, one step ever three seconds, to take a better look. 

"Son of a bitch." He mutters. "Did you know?" I shake my head. 

"No idea."


End file.
